OK, Living In The Future Officially Sucks

Remember how as kids we thought all the cool stuff we saw in movies about the future was most assuredly going to come to fruition? Yeah, well, it turns out we're just getting the shitty, annoying stuff.

From The London Telegraph:

Engineers have developed the billboard, similar to one used in the Tom Cruise blockbuster [Minority Report]that uses in built cameras to instantly identifies a shopper’s age and gender as they walk past.

The facial-recognition system, called the Next Generation Digital Signage Solution, then offers consumers a product it thinks is suited to their demographic.

Really future? This is what you have to give us? No flying cars, summer homes on the moon, holodecks or even fucking Soylent Green? Lame, future. Really, really lame.

William Atherton Still The Biggest Dick Ever

So who do the Lost producers go to when they need a complete dick to out dick the show's uber-dick, one mister Ben Linus?

Why, William Atherton of course.


When Atherton's name came up in the opening credits, I felt such a sense of excitement pour over me. I knew that I was about to be witness to such dickery the likes of which have rarely been felt since the 1980's. That before me would soon play out a study in dickishness that young actors (and dicks at home) could study for years and years to come.

Yeah. Lost was pretty good last night...

Indiana Jones Five Might Be Contagious

As Harrison Ford has described to the BBC there being a "germ of an idea" for the next one. Crystal Skull most likely developed out of a germ as well but quickly mutated into cinematic herpes; it sucked, caused much discomfort and will stay with me the rest of my life.

So what is this germ? Ford doesn't really say, just that, like everything else these last 13 years, George Lucas gets to fuck things up for everyone in the end.

For a moment, let's pretend that George Lucas secretly comes here and takes what I have to say with some seriousness (I already do this, but for a moment, I want you to do the same). To keep another Goddamn fiasco like Crystal Skull from happening, here's all you need for a plot for the next movie...

1. Nazis- I know Indy is old as hell now, but Nazis did make their way to South America after the war. Indy needs Nazis.

2. Some Ancient Artifact, Preferably Biblical in Origin- The Spear of Destiny, Moses' toothpick, hell, the coat of many colors. Just, for the love of all that is good and holy, no aliens.

3. No Ants, Refrigerators, Prairie Dogs or Monkeys- These items speak for themselves I think.

4. Marion Ravenwood- Because Karen Allen just looked so happy to be there in Crystal Skull.

5. Mutt Out, Short Round In- Because at his worst, Short Round was NEVER as annoying and obnoxious as Mutt. Never.

Cool Insight Into Comic Law

Yes, that's right, I said comic law. As in, lawyers who focus on comic books. I just think that's kind of cool.

Anyway, the big news in comics this week hasn't been who's the next official members of The Avengers or Stan Lee writing new super hero comics for BOOM! Studios. No, the big news has been in Nick "My daddy was the demon" Simmons allegedly ripping off one of the most successful manga's in the world.

The short version: Nick Simmons' daddy is Gene Simmons, Gene Simmons had a reality show, Nick Simmons appeared on it, Nick Simmons wanted to make comic books, Nick Simmons did just that but possibly, likely, maybe completely ripped his entire comic off from Tite Kubo, creator of Bleach.

Tite Kubo to the left, Nick Simmons the right.

So despite all the online back and forth that usually occurs in situations like this. Comic Book Resources actually did some journalism and talked to (gasp!) an expert to get the skinny on just what the hell's going on and the likely end result of it all could be.

Spider-Man Might Want To Read Brand New Day Before Opening His Mouth

I'm betting Mephisto and Mary Jane (if she could remember anything) would say differently...

When Impressive and Sad Meet

That's Minas Tirith from Lord of the Rings and it took one Patrick Acton three years and over 400,000 matches to build. Should I marvel at the feat or weep in sadness? I just don't know (from Sci Fi Wire).

Fantastic Four Done Right

In the spirit of brevity, I shall keep this simple. Jonathon Hickman, at this very moment, is producing what will go down in history as one of the great Fantastic Four runs, right up there with Lee and Kirby, Byrne, and Waid and Weiringo. Here are five reasons why.

1. Reed Is Actually More Than Just a Brain- He's also a man-of-action, just like he was back in the 1960's. At some point though, Marvel started writing Reed as the world's biggest introverted nerd, to the point you kind of didn't understand why a hottie like Sue perpetually chose him over Namor. Hickman has returned Reed to his roots though, smartest guy on the planet to be sure, but also a guy that even if he couldn't stretch would very surely kick your ass. Hell, just check out the kick-ass five o'clock shadow.

2. Instead of Just Fighting Super Villains, They're Out There Exploring The Unknown- Which you think they would be consistently doing, since that's kind of their mission statement. Sure, sure, Doctor Doom needs spanked from time to time, but their best moments where when they were discovering The Negative Zone, discovering lost civilizations, and traveling to the farthest reaches of the cosmos on a lark. Hickman has brought all that back. In the last two issues alone, the team has made contact with sentient moloids and entered into talks with a new underwater civilization that thinks it's Atlantis (Namor shan't be too pleased by this).

3. Sue Is Believably Effectual- Over the years, writers have struggled with what to do with Sue Richards. Is she nurturing mother? Is she a gun-toting cougar? Is she a battered house wife? People just don't know. Hickman has made her the perfect balance to the powerful personality that is Reed Richards. Not only does Hickman portray her as the grounding force of the team, but also as the silent leader. Sure, Reed may make the big calls, but it's Sue that briefs the team on the particulars of each mission. She also runs the day-to-day business of the Fantastic Four, distributes grant money, finances other people's exhibitions and makes sure The FF don't turn into broke dick dogs. And when the human race needs a public face when dealing with a new civilization? Sue's your go-to woman for that too.

4. Franklin and Valeria Aren't Annoying- Let's be honest; for the last 40 odd years, Franklin Richard has been a Goddamn albatross. If he's not being kidnapped by the villain of the month, he's God-like powers are threatening to tear the cosmos asunder. And Valeria? Can anyone give an accurate account of just where the hell she came from? But under Hickman, the kids act like, well, kids. They do things kids would do if their parents were the world's greatest heroes and actually have fun doing it. They contribute to the family dynamic and many of the actual adventures without just being human plot devices.

5. Old Stories Aren't Being Retold- I get that everyone wants to play in the house that Stan and Jack built and do their own riffs on the old classics. I'd want to do the same. But that writing mentality just makes a book stagnant. On the other hand, go to far in the other direction and fans are left feeling cold and alienated. Hickman has found the perfect happy place, giving all the right nods to the classics while doing all kinds of new stuff. Like when Reed joined up with a consortium of Reeds from the multiverse, their were appearances by Galactus and the Infinity Gauntlet, but the story itself was new and to be honest, cool as all get out.

Which is, really, what Hickman's entire run so far has been; cool as all get out.