Friday, December 14, 2012

5 Awesome Jobs That Don't Exist (And Why They Kinda Suck)

Be honest. As much as you may like or even love your job, it's nowhere near being the most awesome job ever conceived of by a human being. And if you hate your job with the white hot anger of a thousand burning suns, that knowledge is all the more bitter. Because you know that out there, somewhere, your dream job is there waiting.

Sadly, for many of us, those dream jobs don't actually exist. They exist only on the printed page or silver screen, never to be had by you or me. So join me now as we take a look at some of these dream jobs, examine why they're awesome and then make ourselves feel a little better by acknowledging why they'd suck more than just a little...


PROS: You are the law. Sure, you live in a massive, unimaginably overcrowded megalopolis surrounded by a nuclear wasteland, where the citizenry is constantly under threat from outrageous and sometimes even supernatural threats. But when it comes to the rules, to keeping this society together, it all starts and stops with you. You’re not just judge, jury and executioner (power over life and death, baby!), but you get to cruise around on a sweet skycycle. And don't get me started on that most fantastic of benefits; job security.

CONS: Before you decide to go act as judge, jury and executioner on your noisy neighbor who watches reruns of The Big Bang Theory with the volume all the way up, you may want to keep in mind that standards are more than a little strict when it comes to the behavior of judges. Abuse of power is a big no-no, and forget about breaking even the slightest law. Something like jaywalking may be a slap on the wrist for the average citizen, but for you it's a sentence of hard labor on one of Saturn’s moons for the rest of your life. And speaking of the rest of your life, that’s how long you’re going to be a Judge, so don't expect to be making like Roger Murtaugh, going on about how close you are to retirement. And cool things like drinking, smoking and sexy time? Yeah, not so much.

But hey, getting to shout “I AM THE LAW” with impunity makes up for all that right?

 Time Cop

PROS: When Cube said “Fuck the police” he couldn’t have been talking about Time Cops. I mean, why risk pissing off a cop that can accidently push you in front of a school bus when you were five, before you ever get the chance to say NWA?

When you’re a Time Cop, not only do you get all the requisite cool shit that comes with being a regular cop (badge, gun AND free coffee refills at Quick Trip? Yes, please…), but you get to TRAVEL THROUGH TIME. And let’s be honest, add a time travel element to ANY job and it automatically becomes a pretty sweet gig. Plus, by all accounts, you can actually change your own timeline and no one will call you on it (most likely because you’ve just done irreparable damage to the space/time continuum). Add perfect abs and an ass seemingly forged from steel into the mix, and you've got one sweet gig.

CONS: Just, you know, don’t bump into yourself when you’re knocking about in the past. Or shake your own hand. Or fist bump. Don’t do that either. Unless you’re okay becoming a gelatinous glob of goo.


PROS: On a cush, secret base on the moon, you watch everything that occurs in your designated corner of the universe and… well, that’s about it actually. The name of this job says it all.

This job has literally zero expectation beyond sitting on your ass and looking at major cosmic events. I can’t think of any other job in existence quite like that, can you? In most jobs, there’s reward for going above and beyond and taking on more responsibilities. Not so with being a Watcher. That shit’s discouraged. The less you actually do, the better you're doing your job. For the George Costanza’s of the universe, this is pretty much a dream job.

CONS: Did I mention you’re an impossibly old and immortal being that can do nothing BUT watch? You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You just watch other people doing really cool things. In fact, the people you’re watching will do such cool things that you’ll inevitably become attached to them. This will cause you to feel the need to step in and give them a hand from time to time and of course this will result in you getting a stern warning from your superiors.

But you won’t lose your job. Like, ever. So there’s that.


PROS: You get to live in a classic, old school NYC firehouse. You get to play with homemade nuclear particle accelerators. And you get to tool around the city in Ecto-1.

Not to mention the city comes together from time to time to hail you and your crew for the heroes you are, what with throwing down with Lovecraftian gods, reincarnated occultist conquerors and sentient ectoplasm. And attractive women are way easier to woo once you’ve saved them from an interdimensional cross rip.

CONS: The hours suck. The pay sucks worse. An $11,500 a year salary in 1984 is roughly a $25,000 salary in 2012. In New York City.  I guess we know why most employees have to live in a firehouse that has been compared to “a demilitarized zone.” And that city that comes together to hail you as a hero? Yeah, they’re just as likely to shut your operation down and toss your ass in jail and/or the nut house. The public is fickle when it comes to ghostbusting.

Starfleet Captain

PROS: Not only do you live in a future utopian society that has advanced beyond racism, bigotry, money and personal drama, but you, sir (in the future, “sir” is gender neutral) are top dog on one of the most marvelous technological achievements ever. You command a starship.

Not only that, but your main mandate is to go out and just do… stuff. Seek out new life! Explore strange, new worlds! Boldly go where no one has gone before! While you’re at it, break every law of physics you can and maybe even make some up. And if that gets boring, you can always make your own, better reality over in the holodeck.

CONS: Yeah, when shit goes down in this utopian future, it goes down sideways. You’re just as likely to get turned into a Borg drone as you are to get laid by hot alien strange and while the occasional jaunt through time is awesome, odds are, unless your ship has the right name, your ass is stuck (or worse). The holodeck is prone to malfunctions that result in the birth of sentient literary villains, cosmic gods play with you and yours much like a malicious child with an ant farm, and everyone uses words in casual conversation that require at least two PhD’s to understand. 


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