Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Christmas Treat Review: Tastykake's Candy Cane Kakes

We're back with The Nerduary Christmas Treat Review. I'm joined once again by the lovely Tiffany, she of "... Yes, But Does it Please and Sparkle?" That's right, we're putting ourselves on the front lines of early onset diabetes so you can make those holiday sweets purchases with all the information available.

This time out we decided on Tastykake’s Candy Cane Kakes. Neither Tiffany nor myself have much experience with the brand, so we figured why not. Besides, the young woman at the Family Dollar we purchased the “kakes”from was genuinely thrilled that she finally found other people fond of what turned out to be her all-time favorite Christmas treat. Like, giddy thrilled.To the point she held up the line to give us tips for alternate ways of serving them (you can evidently heat these suckers in the oven for “real good flavor”).So with that, we jump right into the latest in our Christmas Treat Review series. You can read our first installment here.

CHRIS: We actually stumbled on this by accident when we wandered into a Family Dollar on a quest for Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch. We came up empty handed on the Christmas Crunch front, but we did score this.

TIFFANY: Nearly $4 and (hopefully) worth every penny.

CHRIS: What are your thoughts on the box? Better than the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes? Worse?

TIFFANY: Well the box is pretty straightforward. There’s no beating around the bush, cross product marketing going on here. The box is kinda magical. I like the font. It makes me think of Christmas Town. But they misspelled “cake.”  I guess in Christmas Town there are no grammar teachers. 

CHRIS: I think that was intentional. I also disagree with you on the design. To me, this shit’s pretty uninspired. It almost seems like an after thought. Like some executive said “Holy Shit! We forgot to get our Christmas line together! Quick, slap a candy cane on the box and get this fucker to market ASAP!”

TIFFANY: Wow. Disappointed. The back is almost IDENTICAL to the front. That’s cheap, Tastykake. Cheap.

CHRIS: So far, if the box is anyindication, I’m worried. What about the nutritional facts and ingredients.What’re working with?

TIFFANY: I’m not going to mince words for you, Chris. This is bad. 220 calories and 7 grams of saturated fat.Not to mention the laundry list of unpronounceable ingredients. Well, at least there’s peppermint oil. That’s healthy.

CHRIS: Okay, this is promising;The Tastykake Guarantee- “Tastykake products are made to taste great. If not satisfied, full refund guaranteed with proof of purchase code and reason for dissatisfaction.” Thoughts?

TIFFANY: How about, “I’m returning this product because it’s made with the blood of the children of Christmas  Town and I don’t want that on my conscience.”

CHRIS: That's a legit complaint if I ever heard one. Let's look at the actual cake now... Not a bad size, I guess.You want first bite?

TIFFANY: Alright, here I go…

Tiffany opens the wrapper...


CHRIS: Jesus, you’re right.Opening that wrapper was like being in a peppermint factory explosion. Shit.

Each now taking a bite...

TIFFANY: Ya know, I kinda like it.

She hangs her head in shame.

CHRIS: I know, right?! I was about to hate on this little pastry like a motherfucker, but damn. This is good. It tastes like an actual cake that was prepared by someone who maybe knew what they were doing. Little Debbie should take some notes.

TIFFANY: I won’t eat another bite but I will say I was pretty impressed. The lady at Family Dollar who told us they were good didn’t really lead us astray. I’m going to go back and ask her to make some more recommendations.

CHRIS: I like the minty aftertaste. It’s… nice, you know?

TIFFANY: Like an after-dinner mint.One that will make you gain like 20 pounds…

CHRIS: It’s not overwhelming.This is what I imagine Santa’s beard tastes like.

TIFFANY: That and mentholcigarettes.

CHRIS: Huh. You know, I feel likeSanta smokes menthols, too. Weird, we’ve never talked about that before.

TIFFANY: But I don’t think he smokes Newports. I think there’s a magical kind in The North Pole, kind of like Salem’s. But they’re called Twinkles.

CHRIS: And instead of giving you cancer, they give you wishes.

TIFFANY: And instead of blowing out smoke, you blow out garland.

CHRIS: Smoking is so awesome at The North Pole.

TIFFANY: Okay. I give it a B. Justa flat B. Not a plus or a minus, but it was good.

CHRIS: After the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes? Definitely a solid B. They had good taste, they had the consistency of an actual cake and… you know, I might have given an A had they not been so half-assed in the box design, you know?

TIFFANY: No, I don’t know. Giventhe fact that there’s no expiration date and they are made with the blood ofchildren from Christmas Town, I don’t think they deserve an A under ANYcircumstances.

CHRIS: Are you going to lodge acomplaint over that under the “Tastycake Guarantee”?

TIFFANY: You bet your ass I am.

Have thoughts on Tastykake's Candy Cane Kakes? Maybe you just want to talk Christmas treats? Leave a comment below, sucka! And follow us on Twitter via @Nerduary while you're at it.


  1. As soon as I read that Santa smokes menthols, I immediately knew this to be true, and feel like I always knew it.

  2. Right? It's one of those things I didn't realize until eating a Candy Cane Kake, but once it dawned on me, knew that it always been right there in front of me.

  3. I totally could see him blowing out tinsel instead of garland. I envisioned the garland coming out a'la Exorcism for some reason.


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