This installment of The Nerduary Christmas Treat Review series is one that’s bitter sweet. Today we review a treat that, come next Christmas, will no longer be with us, thanks to the manufacturer having recently gone out of business. That’s right, we’re chowing down on a Hostess product.
Ah, the famed Holiday Fruit Cake. Now keep in mind that the only fruit cakes Tiffany has ever had are the ones made with love (and quality ingredients) by her dear grandmother. And me? I’ve never had one in my whole life. So it’s with that knowledge that we dive right into The Nerduary’s review of the Hostess Holiday Fruit Cake.
CHRIS: I’m not going to lie to you; I’ve been dreading the hell out of this. Like real, sincere dread. The kind that wakes you in a cold sweat at 3 A.M. I look at this thing and get nothing but bad vibes from it.
TIFFANY: Yep. It’s pretty much the scariest thing EVER. It’s fruit cake, but not the kind grandma makes.
CHRIS: In the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I found this in a massive box in a back corner of a Wal-Mart. There was no signage, no pricing, just a giant box of liquidated Hostess Fruit Cakes.
TIFFANY: There’s no “real” expiration date on this.
CHRIS : Excuse me?
TIFFANY: It just says “sell by Feb 15.”
CHRIS: February of what year?
TIFFANY: It doesn’t say.
TIFFANY: I just imagine it as a couple of guys standing there in the fruit cake plant and one saying, “Well, Bruce, we’re required by law to put an expiration date on it but this shit never expires. February 15th is technically a date.”
CHRIS: I think that may have been how Hostess handled all their product expiration dates. I think that scenario with Bruce actually took place back in the 30's.
TIFFANY: Ugh. Okay, so let’s look at the package. It says it’s full of “nature’s finest fruits and nuts.” Um, somehow I think this is false advertising, based on the convo with Bruce and the other guy. Just a hunch. I don’t exactly see the “fruits and nuts” for this fruit cake falling off a tree in The Blessed Garden.
CHRIS: Are you trying to tell me Hostess didn’t use the freshest ingredients?
TIFFANY: You bet your ass I am. Hello – no expiration date???!!! Perhaps the fruit really did come from The Blessed Garden as it never expires. Hmmm….do I sense a Christmas miracle on our hands? Will this be like eating the Fruit of Life?
CHRIS: Something tells me this will be more like eating from the Tree of Knowledge in that we’ll have the knowledge to never to eat a fruit cake with no concrete expiration date or to buy one from an unmarked box at Wal-Mart. I also want to point out the label also says to keep this sucker in a cool place. That box I found it in? Not a cool place. It wasn’t even near a cool place.
TIFFANY: Let’s check out the nutrition facts and ingredients. Awe, shit…
CHRIS: 350 Calories. Not as bad as I thought, I guess.
TIFFANY: For ¼ of the loaf.
CHRIS: How much for the whole loaf?
TIFFANY: Learn to do math, honey. 1,400 calories total.
CHRIS: 1,400 calories for the entire loaf? Shit. What about ingredients?
TIFFANY: First ingredients look promising. We’ve got raisins…
CHRIS: Fuck raisins…
TIFFANY: … orange peel, pineapple, cherries….but, oh my. Can’t really pronounce much else but there are dried whole eggs in this junk. Eww. Gross.
CHRIS: It’s got beta-carotene. That’s good, right?
TIFFANY: That’s what makes carrots orange. At this point, that’s like throwing a bunch of carrots into a bucket of shit.
CHRIS: Alright, speaking of a bucket of shit, we’re stalling. This thing ain’t gonna eat itself and I want to get this over with.
Tiffany unwraps the package.
TIFFANY: It’s really hard to cut. And we’re going to eat this?
CHRIS: Courage, dear. Courage.
On the count of three, Chris and Tiffany each take a big bite…
TIFANNY: Oh fucking shit!
CHRIS: This is terrible. Oh, God, it’s so fucking terrible.
TIFFANY: Fuck this, dude. I’m not eating any more.
CHRIS: DON’T YOU SPIT IT OUT! YOU HAVE TO…
Tiffany spits her bite out.
TIFFANY: Spit yours out. NOW!
CHRIS: I have to eat it.
TIFFANY: Spit it out! You’re going to get sick!
Chris actually starts to gag uncontrollably at this point. Shit is now getting real.
CHRIS: Oh, God…
TIFFANY: NO! It’s not worth it!
CHRIS: Just… keep taking…[long gag] pictures.
Tiffany is now laughing hysterically as Chris continues to gag
CHRIS: Goddamnit, Goddamnit, Goddamnit. Oh, Goddamnit…
Chris finally chews it back, tears streaming from his eyes.
TIFFANY: (looking down) Well, Spike seems to like it.
CHRIS: Are you...? It literally tastes like shit!
TIFFANY: Well, he and Dirt [our other cat] lick each other’s buttholes all the time so I guess this is like dessert for them.
CHRIS: Fuck Hostess.
CHRIS: I’m glad they’re gone. Seriously, you made a product that was on par with eating cat butt. Good riddance.