Monday, May 20, 2013

On Star Trek Into Darkness...


Some general thoughts on Star Trek Into Darkness. Spoiler ahead. Obviously...


  • I know a lot of lip service was given to trying to preserve The Prime Directive, but I don’t think anyone was really all that worried about violating it as the entire crew (save Scotty) thought hiding a massive starship under water less than a mile from the alien natives was better camouflage that outer space.
  • In Starfleet, you don’t just get demoted, you get sent back to school.
  • Starfleet evidently has its head honchos hold super secret meetings on the top floor of a very visible building that anyone can just look into.
  •  Amanda Marcus had to get naked in front of Kirk on that shuttle. You know, because.
  • Also, she’s inexplicably British now.
  • Apparently leaving the military in the future is as easy as saying “I’m out.”
  • And, getting a military grade shuttle is really, really easy.
  • And, getting into top-secret military installations doesn’t take much sneaking. In fact, you can fly your shuttle in formation from the wrong direction right in front of everyone and get right inside.
  • Just to be clear, Starfleet engineers and weapons designers needed to thaw out a guy whose last experience with technology was dial-up Internet to help build better star ships.
  • Again, just to be clear, the one guy they thawed out conquered two thirds of the planet back in the day. Not a lieutenant, not an underling, but the man himself. Jesus Christ…
  • Star Trek gets a new time line, Khan gets a new ethnicity!
  • As Kirk and crew descended to the surface of Kronos, we see the shattered moon Praxis. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t the breaking of Praxis all but bring the Klingon Empire to its knees? I guess in the new timeline it just looks cool hanging there in shattered pieces of Kronos’ night sky.
  • Ok, so let me get this one straight; because of the incursion of Nero from the future with all his impossible future technology, the destruction of Vulcan and the attack on Earth, Starfleet got serious with looking out for possible threats against its way of life. Cool. Got it. SO WHY THE HELL DID NO ONE NOTICE EVIL ENTERPRISE ATTACKING REAL ENTERPRISE 200,000 MILES FROM EARTH?!
  • Did the designers of Evil Enterprise make a tiny hatch because they thought it would be funny?
  • What future secrets is old Spock trying to hide? This is a different reality. The future will never be the same. Not mentioning Khan is just the slightest bit dickish. Think about it; he knows that somewhere out there, waiting to fuck The Federation big time are threats like; The Borg, The Q, The Cardassians, The Dominion, a probe that’s gonna show up one day looking for hump back whales, a thing at the center of the universe that’s pretending to be God, and V’Ger. Old Spock is a raging asshole. The timeline is no longer his own.
  • Seriously? We're just gonna redo the most famous scene in all of Star Trek? Oh. I guess we are. Because why not, right?
  • Khan crashes to Earth, and holy shit, look at that! A perfectly fitted trench coat just like the one he lost just sitting on a cafĂ© table! Lucky!
  • Hey, look! Raiders of the Lost Ark ending!
  • Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan was a poignant movie because the cast and crew had 20 years together. There was a history there and Kirk had actually never made a major mistake in all that time. The movie ends with the villain defeated, but at a heartbreaking cost. Every emotion in that movie was earned over two decades. Into Darkness, as pretty as it is, is a rehash, a greatest hits movie that doesn't earn any of the emotions it asks the audience to feel. With Star Trek, J.J. Abrams made a promise of something new and different. He didn't fulfill that promise.