Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Ballad of Admiral Longinous Jonathan Silver

Two days ago, my brother began sending me a series of texts with his thoughts on various fast food seafood establishments. I still have no idea what prompted it. Either way, I just went with it to see where it would take me. Here’s how it went down…

DAVID: Fuck you if you don't like Long John Silver's. Talk shit about Captain D's all
you want. He was a drunken fool. Long John Silver knows what's up. He's the true

ME: Long John Silver ain’t got no “captain” in front of his name is all I’m sayin'…

DAVID: That’s a weak dick argument. I can go buy a boat and start calling myself
captain in 30 minutes. Does that mean I know what I’m doing when it comes to
serving delicious seafood to people?

ME: You can buy a boat?

DAVID: I didn’t say it would be a nice boat.

ME: A canoe?

DAVID: Does an inflatable raft from Wal-Mart count?

3 hours later…

ME: You at work?

DAVID: Yeah. Dreaming about what the rules of my ship are gonna be.

ME: Any in particular?

DAVID: The first rule, and most important rule, is to always have fun.

ME: That’s a good rule. Write it down so you don’t forget it.

DAVID: The second rule… Don’t ever trust that son of a bitch Chris Brennaman. He
just wants to crush the dreams of the captain of the ship.

ME: Hmmm… I don’t know about that one. Maybe you should think about it a little

DAVID: What about “Don’t trust that son of a bitch Chris Brennaman. He thinks
Captain D was a far superior naval officer that Admiral Longinous Jonathan Silver.”?

24 hours later the following unsolicited picture arrives on my phone…

DAVID: So apparently when you search for Google images of Admiral Longinous
Jonathan Silver, this is what comes back. While I’d trust him with a great sing along
about the sea, I’m not so sure I’d buy seafood from the guy.

The next picture immediately followed…

DAVID: This guy on the other hand… I’d buy from him any day. He looks like he’d
fight any man or beast to bring only the finest seafood to my table.


  1. Where does Cap'n Crunch fall in this heirarchy? Is he even really a Captain? I think the contraction is there to trick us into think he's a real captain, while he hasn't attended any naval academy at all.....

  2. Have you guys seen ? The "Big Catch" meal at Long John Silver's has been dubbed the worst restaurant meal in America, as it has two weeks worth of trans fat. My heart seized a bit when I read that.


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