Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Ballad of Admiral Longinous Jonathan Silver


Two days ago, my brother began sending me a series of texts with his thoughts on various fast food seafood establishments. I still have no idea what prompted it. Either way, I just went with it to see where it would take me. Here’s how it went down…

DAVID: Fuck you if you don't like Long John Silver's. Talk shit about Captain D's all
you want. He was a drunken fool. Long John Silver knows what's up. He's the true
visionary.

ME: Long John Silver ain’t got no “captain” in front of his name is all I’m sayin'…

DAVID: That’s a weak dick argument. I can go buy a boat and start calling myself
captain in 30 minutes. Does that mean I know what I’m doing when it comes to
serving delicious seafood to people?


ME: You can buy a boat?

DAVID: I didn’t say it would be a nice boat.

ME: A canoe?

DAVID: Does an inflatable raft from Wal-Mart count?

3 hours later…

ME: You at work?

DAVID: Yeah. Dreaming about what the rules of my ship are gonna be.

ME: Any in particular?

DAVID: The first rule, and most important rule, is to always have fun.

ME: That’s a good rule. Write it down so you don’t forget it.

DAVID: The second rule… Don’t ever trust that son of a bitch Chris Brennaman. He
just wants to crush the dreams of the captain of the ship.

ME: Hmmm… I don’t know about that one. Maybe you should think about it a little
more.

DAVID: What about “Don’t trust that son of a bitch Chris Brennaman. He thinks
Captain D was a far superior naval officer that Admiral Longinous Jonathan Silver.”?

24 hours later the following unsolicited picture arrives on my phone…

DAVID: So apparently when you search for Google images of Admiral Longinous
Jonathan Silver, this is what comes back. While I’d trust him with a great sing along
about the sea, I’m not so sure I’d buy seafood from the guy.

The next picture immediately followed…



DAVID: This guy on the other hand… I’d buy from him any day. He looks like he’d
fight any man or beast to bring only the finest seafood to my table.

2 comments:

  1. Where does Cap'n Crunch fall in this heirarchy? Is he even really a Captain? I think the contraction is there to trick us into think he's a real captain, while he hasn't attended any naval academy at all.....

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  2. Have you guys seen http://goo.gl/QXGeQ ? The "Big Catch" meal at Long John Silver's has been dubbed the worst restaurant meal in America, as it has two weeks worth of trans fat. My heart seized a bit when I read that.

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