And no, I'm not kidding. The last time I checked the clock while trying to go to sleep it was sometime after 3 a.m. Here's what was keeping me up...
1) “What makes a warlock these days?”
No one is currently able to actually define what constitutes a warlock anymore as far as I’m concerned. I used to operate under the assumption that a warlock was the male equivalent of a witch, but then Harry Potter went and established that while girls are witches, boys are wizards. So what is a warlock? Is being a warlock good or is being a warlock bad? Is it something I want to be or is it something I want to avoid being?
2) “Should I have done hard drugs?”
Seriously, I want to know. Did I do myself a disservice by not dabbling in ecstacy, cocaine, LSD, heroine, or opium for at least a little while? Anyone? Don’t everyone chime in all at once…
3) “Why can’t my Pikachu be as amazing as the one on TV?”
No matter the game, try as I might, I can never seem to catch, train or trade a Pikachu that is actually worth a shit. That Pikachu on TV? That asshole is one episode from curing genital herpes. Meanwhile, all of mine, at best, are just... OK. And don’t give me that horse shit about the one on the cartoon being special. I’ve taken down Team Rocket, Team Plasma and Team Flare. Alone! If anyone deserves a special Pikachu it’s me, Goddamnit. It’s me…
4) “Does Lena Dunham just power watch entire seasons of Sex and the City before sitting down to write new episodes of Girls or is she just doing it all from memory?”
To be honest, if it’s the latter, I’m actually impressed. Because whenever I sit down to write my TV show concept, Family of Sad Orphans, I have to actually have Party of Five on constantly in the background or else I’m fucking lost.
5) “Is that my cat staring at me… or a rapist?”
This applies to not one but both of my cats. They both have this odd, assholeish habit of creeping up beside my head in the middle of the night and staring at me. Whenever I feel like I’m about to get touched in my "Uh-Oh Place" by one of the Shadow People, rest assured either Spike or Dirt McGrit (but usually Spike) has invaded my personal bubble and is just staring. Always with the staring. Sometimes they’re letting me know I forgot to feed them, but usually they’ve got zero agenda beyond watching me sleep. Jesus, cats are creepy.